InsaneJournal

Fic: Sexual Healing, Snarry, NC17
Title: Sexual Healing
Author: randomlysane
Pairing: Snape/Harry, Harry/OCs implied
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 8,380
Beta: I asked and no one offered. But don't worry, it should be error-free.
Summary: Harry Potter, hero of the Wizarding World, doesn't like sex. As a New Year's Resolution, he decides to see a sex therapist. He is paired with Dr. Snape, who helps him work through his aversion.
A/N: AU, in the fact that Harry and Snape have never met.
Warnings: AU, graphic sex, rimming, child abuse mentioned (OC), alternating POV, attempted rape implied, simple Snape.
Disclaimer: The boys belong to JKR. I'm just playing with them. No money involved.


Friday, January 4th, 12pm


The waiting room was, thankfully, empty. Only the receptionist, who sat behind her desk, was witness to Harry's vulnerability. Harry had asked for his appointment to be in the least busy part of the day. He didn't want anyone to report this to the Prophet; that was the last thing he wanted right now.

The room was spartan in appearance, nothing to stare at but the receptionist, while he waited nervously for the doctor. He had just finished the introductory paperwork. Name: Harry James Potter. Age: 25. And on and on. It was the usual personal file information but it had been tedious. He had already done the interview form via owl. It asked personal questions that would help pair him with the right counselor. He was honest in the fact that he was homosexual and wanted a male therapist. He had also requested absolute discretion, as the establishment promised.

"Mr. Potter?" Harry jumped slightly at the receptionist's voice. "Dr. Snape is ready to see you now. Follow me, please."

Harry stood and followed her through a door and down a corridor. She led him to the third door on the left and knocked. A voice told them to enter and she led him into the room. The room looked comfortable, not clinical, as he had expected. There was a desk, two armchairs by a large window, a couch against the wall opposite the desk, and shelving units spread throughout. A few houseplants were situated in the corners of the room.

The receptionist handed his file to a man sitting behind the desk piled with other files. He thanked her and she left. Harry stood uncertainly, not knowing if he should speak or sit or what.

Then the man looked to Harry and stood, offering his hand. "Mr. Potter. I'm Doctor Severus Snape."

Harry shook the man's hand and replied, "Nice to meet you."

"Have a seat."

Harry looked at the furnishings and decided to sit in one of the armchairs by the window. He was surprised when the doctor chose the other armchair. Harry noticed that he didn't bring anything to the chair with him. He expected the doctor to have a notebook or something to takes notes with. But Dr. Snape just took his seat, crossed his legs at the knees and rested his elbows on the arms of the chair, hands in his lap.

"First, you may call me Severus during our sessions. I like to be on a first name basis with my clients to promote trust. May I call you Harry?"

Harry nodded and agreed. "Yes, sir. I mean, Severus."

"Good. Now, Harry, before we go any further, we need to discuss your medical history. Do you have any illnesses? Do you take any medication?"

Harry thought this a reasonable question and answered honestly. "I'm pretty healthy really. But I do have Paranoid Personality Disorder. I take medicine for it. It helps a lot, but I wonder if, sometimes, I could use a higher dose. Other than that, there's nothing to note."

"If you feel you need a higher dose, then, please, talk to your doctor about it. Now, in these sessions we will discuss very personal topics. I need you to be honest with me or there will be no point in you coming here. Do not worry about being embarrassed. I've heard it all, so there's nothing for you to be ashamed of. You may speak frankly and use whatever language you are comfortable with. Do you understand?"

"Yes." Though Harry knew that being embarrassed was an inevitability for him. He could already feel the flush threatening his cheeks.

"To begin, why are you here?"

"For therapy."

Severus smiled a little and clarified, "Why do you feel you need therapy?"

Harry tensed a bit and dropped his gaze to his hands. Gryffindor courage, Harry. This is why you're here, to tell someone. Harry took a deep breath and said, "Because I don't like sex."

"But you wish you did?"

"Yes. I feel like I'm missing out on something important."

"So, you don't enjoy sex. How do you feel when you come?"

Even though Severus had said they would get personal, Harry was still startled by the question. He wasn't expecting it so soon. He looked around the room, anywhere but the doctor. This was something that really bothered Harry. This was why he knew something was wrong with him. How could he not come during sex? He always did just fine during masturbation.

"I've never come during sex," he admitted.

Severus nodded asked, "How many lovers have you had?"

"Four, not counting a few one-offs."

"And you've never come during sex with any of them?"

"No."

"What about blow jobs? Have you had those and did you come?"

Harry thought back through his lovers. "Only one ever gave me any attention in that area and he always pulled off before I could come. It was usually just part of foreplay."

The conversation abruptly moved on to other aspects of his life. The rest of the session was spent with Harry talking about his home life, his time at Hogwarts and his part in the war. Harry felt more comfortable talking about this than he did when he first came in. It felt good to be able to talk about it. Severus didn't laugh at him or mock him. He was professional but something about his presence calmed Harry. Harry hoped that Severus could figure out what was wrong with him. Just talking about it with someone was making him feel better.

~*~*~*~*~*~

At the office

Severus always spent the last hour of his work day reviewing the day's cases and making notes in their files. He would wait until after the client left before making notations. He didn't like taking notes during the sessions because it took time away from the client and sometimes made the client nervous.

He was marking in the file of a client who was into Sado-Masochism and felt he couldn't come unless he was in pain. Being into S&M was not a problem in itself, but the client was rapidly approaching an unhealthy stage and his life was in danger. Severus made a final note to talk to the client's psychiatrist and set the file aside.

He then reached for the last file, that of Harry Potter. He opened and reviewed the forms inside, before starting his notes. He marked the consequential information and initial impression. And then paused while he reviewed the notes he had made after Harry left.

They had practically discussed his whole life by the end of the session. Most of what Harry revealed was common knowledge to the wizarding public. His parents had been murdered and he was raised by his Uncle and Aunt, the Dursleys. Harry went to Hogwarts and was constantly pursued by Voldemort or his Death Eaters. Then Harry fought in the final battle, dying and returning to defeat Voldemort for good.

It was the details that Severus had been interested in. The Dursleys, apparently, weren't fond of magic and, therefore, not fond of Harry. They mistreated him, used him as a house-elf, barely fed him, and often locked him away. Harry was the scapegoat when things went wrong and was the target of his cousin's brutish pranks.

Then his life turned upside down when he found out that he was a wizard. He was a renowned wizard. He was put upon a pedestal for something he didn't remember doing as a baby. At first, he loved the magical world, was in complete awe of it. Then he learned, the hard way, about the evil that resided in it. His Hogwarts years, Harry told him, were, at times, the best of his life and, at others, the worst. He was constantly thrown back and forth between being a hero and being an outcast. As the years went on, his duty as a hero became heavier and heavier. He was tricked into a confrontation with Voldemort in his fourth year, which resulted in a classmate's death, and he was tricked into helping to kill his mentor in his sixth year.

Severus read back over his notes. Harry has Paranoid Personality Disorder. No wonders there. What little he knew of Harry's past, so far, was enough to instill some paranoia in anyone. Severus remembered little about this disorder and turned to his shelves to look it up in the mental health dictionary.

Paranoid Personality Disorder: characterized by:
*pervasive, unwarranted suspiciousness and distrust (such as expectation of trickery or harm, guardedness and secretiveness, avoidance of accepting blame, over-concern with hidden motives and meanings, and pathological jealousy)
*hypersensitivity (such as being easily slighted and quick to take offense, making mountains out of molehills, and readiness to counterattack)
*restricted affectivity (such as emotional coldness, no true sense of humour, or absence of soft tender feelings)

Severus read over it twice, then spelled a copy of it into Harry's file. This disorder, most likely, plays a big part in Harry not enjoying sex. Understandably, it would keep Harry from getting too close to anyone. Harry probably analyzes the situation too much, doubts his partner's intentions. But Severus didn't think the disorder was the only thing impeding Harry's enjoyment of sex. There had to be more. Severus made a note in Harry's file to discuss his first encounter with sex during their next session. More often then not, a person's first sexual experience effects how they view sex for the rest of their lives.

Harry was an intriguing client. He seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, unlike some of the other dunderheads Severus had to treat. Harry was a handsome young man. Yes, Severus did notice. Harry had also had a rough life, had to grow up fast. He had given his life for a world he barely knew at the tender age of 17 and it was for a cause that he barely understood but bravely faced it. Harry was a fighter; Severus could see that. Such a delightful young man, who had not received much in life, deserved some pleasure. And Severus was determined to help him find it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Friday, January 11th, 12pm

"Why don't you like sex, Harry?"

Severus watched his client closely. He had learned to read people's body language and watched Harry for any signs of uncertainty. He found none, only hints of shame.

"It makes me feel used...unworthy of anything else...as if that's all I'm good for. Right from the beginning, I get this feeling like it isn't me they want, just the sex. Like they are settling for second best with me. From the moment it starts, I just can't get into it. I get hard but not excited and I don't come."

"And what do you think is the reason for that?" Severus asked, truly wanting to know what Harry's thoughts were on the matter. He watched as Harry sighed before responding.

"I'm guessing it has something to do with past experiences."

At least, Severus surmised, Harry has some common sense. Time to get to the heart of the matter.

"Harry, tell me about your first sexual experience."

Severus watched as Harry shifted in the chair and looked around nervously.

"I've never told anyone about that." Severus gave a quiet nod and Harry continued, "I told you that I didn't have any friends when I was little. Well...I had one, briefly. We were ten years old. His name was Chris. He wasn't afraid of Dudley, even though Dudley hit him every time he found us playing together. I caught Aunt Petunia on a good day and she said that Chris could come over for a few hours. We were in Dudley's second bedroom, playing with the broken toys there. Uncle Vernon came in. He was smiling and actually joking with us. I let my guard down and went along with it. Next thing I knew Vernon was tickling me. I was surprised but it was fun. He never willingly touched me before, unless it was to smack me for some perceived wrongdoing or other. Then he reached over and started tickling Chris. Chris laughed and rolled around. Then Chris started saying 'Help me' and 'tell him to stop'. He looked like he was still laughing so I laughed right along with him. Finally Vernon stopped and left the room. I felt good. I had a friend over and Vernon was being nice. But Chris had gotten quiet and didn't act like he was having fun anymore. Then he wanted to go home."

"What happened?"

"The next day at school, a counselor got me and Chris alone in a room and they told me that Vernon wasn't tickling Chris. He was touching him, squeezing him, in a place he shouldn't have. That was when I learned about good touch versus bad touch. Chris never talked to me again."

"Did your uncle ever touch you like that?"

"No. Never."

"Did you every wonder why?"

"Yeah."

Severus decided he needed to tread carefully with his next statement. "I believe some of your reasons for not liking sex stem from this incident. Like your feelings of unworthiness--"

"I didn't want him to do that to me!" Harry interrupted.

Severus raised his hands, as if to touch Harry, to calm him. "No, of course not. But your subconscious wonders why he didn't. Like you weren't good enough." Severus figured part of Harry, as a child, wanted attention from his Uncle and would have accepted such advances over being hit all the time. Not that Harry wanted to be abused, but at the time, he would not have known the difference. This event also could have triggered Harry's disorder, considering there was trickery involved.

Severus kept the rest of his thoughts to himself and gave Harry a chance to calm his own thoughts. Harry was staring a hole through the floor with a slight frown on his face. Severus decided a change of topic was in order.

"Let's move on. You said you don't come during sex. What about masturbation? Do you have any problems there?"

Harry looked up then. "No, I always come, unless I'm interrupted or something."

"What do you fantasize about while masturbating?"

Harry then appeared distinctly tense and somewhat guilty. Then he shrugged and looked away. "The usual stuff."

Severus knew he wasn't being completely honest. "Harry, remember I told you to be honest with me. There's nothing for you to be ashamed of. They're just fantasies."

Harry took a deep breath and looked everywhere but at Severus. "I'd really rather not discuss them. Some of them are...illegal or close enough."

"You fantasize about yourself doing illegal sexual acts?"

"No, it's never me. I'm always watching someone else do it."

"Would you ever act upon these fantasies if given the chance?"

"No, absolutely not. At least not the illegal stuff. I might would consider some of the other things....like mild bondage, very mild." Harry muttered the last bit, as if expecting to be shucked out for admitting it. Severus, meanwhile, wondered if the illegal activities Harry fantasized about involved children, based on his first experience with sexual activity. Many who are sexually abused as a child tend to abuse a child themselves. Or it could be that Harry's fantasies are extreme enough for him to be ashamed of them and only assumes they are illegal because of their illicit nature.

Harry interrupts his musings. "Do you think my fantasies are so strong that they overpower reality and make the real thing unimpressive for me?"

Severus could see in Harry's eyes that he hoped this wasn't true. He considered the question carefully. "It is possible but most likely is not the case. You said that in these fantasies you are always watching someone else." Harry nods. "I have homework for you. The next time you masturbate, I want you to imagine an attractive man. Imagine yourself having sex with this man. Regular sex, as yourself. Think about every detail and try to work yourself to orgasm with that. If it does not work, then you may indulge in some of the milder fantasy activities. As long as you imagine it is yourself involved."

~*~*~*~*~*~

At Home

"Nox," Harry said, as he slid under the covers. He wasn't really that sleepy but it was late. He laid there and stared at the ceiling, thinking about that day's session with Dr. Snape.

Severus. Harry liked Severus. He was a professional who asked all the rights questions. He was easy to talk to. Harry wondered what kind of lover Severus was. Surely talking about sex as a career would make him somewhat of an expert on the matter. Harry smiled at the thought.

Severus had given him homework. If only he had gotten homework like this while he was at Hogwarts. There would have been no Quidditch for him. He would have been too busy 'studying'. Harry snorted at himself.

Speaking of studying...Harry threw the covers back and slid his hand down into his boxers. His half-erect cock twitched in his hand. The almost nightly ritual of touching himself had become something to look forward to. It seemed the only way he could reach orgasm. Lying there, letting his mind wonder through all sorts of sordid scenarios, and working his magic with his hands. But tonight had to be different. He had specific instructions for this wank session.

Harry slid his boxers off and laid back, focusing on bringing together an image of an attractive man. He would be just a little taller than Harry. Nice build, but not too buff. Short, dark hair. Eye color didn't matter. Harry then imagined the man crawling onto bed with him and licking a path up from his belly button to that sensitive spot on his neck.

Harry reached back down to his cock and stroked languidly. He tried to imagine the man touching him all over, but it was hard to put himself in the vision. It was hard to imagine what it would feel like. He had never felt many touches like that. Harry was hard but he wasn't getting excited. He decided to change tactics. Severus said he could.

Harry put his hands over his head, pretending they were tied to the headboard. He closed his eyes, as if he was blindfolded. Then he focused again on the man, moving over him, licking his way down.

Harry squirmed and his mind shifted tracks. Then it was Severus' beautiful hands on his body. The fingertips sliding a tickling, arousing trail down his arms, across his chest and down his thighs. Harry arched into the phantom touches. He imagined Severus licking and sucking on his nipples. Severus, paying attention to that sensitive spot on his neck. Severus, leaning in to kiss him, deeply.

Harry's hips were bucking uncontrollably, as he pantomimed kissing Severus. He imagined Severus' hand taking hold of his erection and sliding his thumb across the slit. Harry's breath was coming faster and faster, his heart hammering. He could see it all, feel it all. The idea became too much for him and he jerked his hands down to his cock and started fisting it furiously. He imagined Severus leaning in to speak into his ear: "Come, Harry." And Harry keened, loudly, spurting heavily onto his stomach. He wallowed in the tremors and sensations that took over his body. As he finished, he panted and thought how easy it was to put himself in the scene when Severus appeared in his mind.

Harry grinned. Figures he'd have a crush on his sex shrink.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Friday, January 18th, 12pm

"So, how did you do with your homework?"

Harry gave a shy grin. "Fine."

"And did you follow my instructions?"

Harry couldn't help the blush that stole across his face. "Yeah. It wasn't working until I imagined this one particular man." Harry cast a furtive glance at Severus then continued. "And I imagined I was blindfolded and my hands were tied above my head. I must have a strong imagination because it worked. And it was me in the fantasy."

"Good. Continue doing that." Harry watched as Severus lifted a long-fingered hand to rest under his chin. "We're going to discuss your relationships. We'll start with the first one. Tell about him."

Harry took a deep breath. He still felt anger over his first lover. It must have shown on his face because Severus asked, "What did he do to you, Harry?"

"He used me."

"Tell me about it."

"His name was Will. He was a wizard, the only wizard I had a relationship with. Everyone only seems to want to be with the Boy Who Lived, so after Will, I started going out with Muggles."

"Understandable."

"Anyway, Will surprised me when he asked me out. I wasn't expecting it at all. We went on one date and then fell into a relationship. I was a virgin. He led me to believe that he was experienced, but later, I realized that he was a virgin, too, and just wanted some experience."

"How did you figure that out?"

"We weren't together very long, just a couple of months. We had sex three times. When he broke it off, I was hurt because I thought he really liked me. I wasn't in love with him, but I felt that we were on our way there, you know? A week after we split up, he had gotten back together with his ex, the one he was with before me. A week after that they announced their engagement. While we were together he had given me a ring for my birthday. His brother told me that it had been a promise ring for Will's ex. He had gotten cold feet with his ex and then got with me. He was a virgin and didn't want to be a virgin on his wedding night. He didn't want to be ignorant of what to do. So he used me to get the experience he needed."

"You do realize that your first relationship has effected how you view sex, ever since?" Severus' voice was not condescending, but Harry still felt scolded. He knew this. He knew what happened with Will was causing his feelings of being used when it came to sex. Because he was used. Harry looked to his lap and nodded his understanding.

"But can you convince yourself that not everyone is using you? Can you convince yourself that maybe, just maybe, there is someone who would want you for you?"

Harry knew this was the crux of it all. And he didn't know if he could do it. All of his boyfriends had used him in one way or another.

"Tell me about your next relationship."

"Like I said, the rest were Muggle. Next was Michael. Michael was sort of thrust on me by a friend who was trying to get rid of him. We hit it off pretty well. We didn't go on any dates. We just met for sex, like every night. Michael never kissed me on the lips and was always sort of detached when we had sex. He was creative in where we had sex but not how. It was always the same and it got boring and monotonous. Then he started talking about wanting to turn back the clock. How he changed himself for me and he didn't like it. So I broke it off with him. That made him mad."

"So he wanted to go back to the way things were before you came along but was upset when you broke up with him?"

"Yeah." Harry remembered the row they had and how he scared he had been. Michael was a knife expert and had his own collection that he liked to flash around. "I had left some things at his place and called to see if I could come get them. I made sure we would not be alone but when I got there, we were alone. I tried to just get my stuff and leave but he kept trying to get me to talk to him. He kept trying to get me to cuddle with him. Then he asked for one more kiss, for old time's sake. I reminded him that we never kissed. And he said 'then show me what I've been missing'. I didn't want to. But he kissed me anyway and forced me onto the couch. It turned into an all out fist fight but somehow he managed to get my trousers down around my ankles. Then he punched me on the jaw hard enough that I stopped fighting. I focused on keeping myself flat with my legs together. When he saw that he wasn't going to be able to fuck me, he pushed his cock between my thighs and thrust into them until he came."

Harry could still feel Michael on top of him. It gave him goosebumps, in a bad way. He remembered feeling his magic boiling inside him, as his anger rose to a fever pitch.

"What happened next?" Severus asked softly.

"I was so mad I saw everything through a red haze. I felt my magic spiraling out of control. So I threw all my anger into my fist and punched him hard enough to knock him out. I caught my breath and then felt disgusting. So I did a cleansing charm on myself and gathered my things and just before I left, I cursed Michael with genital warts and genital herpes. Then I left. He stalked me for a year afterward."

"Why didn't you use magic to defend yourself?"

How many times had Harry asked himself that same question? "I don't know. I guess I was just in shock, wasn't thinking straight. Besides, he didn't know I was a wizard and I couldn't get to my wand after the fight started. It didn't occur to me to summon it. I was just shocked and angry."

Severus nodded and shifted position in the chair. Harry wondered what he was thinking.

"Harry, do you see how this relationship, like the one with Chris, has led to your feelings of being used?"

Harry looked at Severus, feeling miserable because he knew it was true. "Yes."

Severus just nodded and all was quiet for a few moments. Then Severus asked, "Who was next?"

"Raymond. Another Muggle, another short relationship. He was always puckering his lips and making kissy noises. Got on my nerves. We only had sex once. The next day he broke it off. He thanked me for helping him figure out that he really wasn't gay after all. That's all there was to that relationship." Harry shrugged his indifference.

"Again..."

"I know, used." Harry gave a small deprecating smile. "Then I had a couple of one-night stands. By this point, I thought 'why the hell not?'. I felt it was all I was good for and that even if I didn't enjoy it, at least I was getting some. But it left me feeling more depressed. So I quit having sex for three years."

~*~*~*~*~*~

At the office

Severus sat at his desk sipping a glass of brandy. He had just finished reviewing Harry's file and adding a few more notes. Severus was convinced that Harry's first encounters with sex had caused his used feelings. Severus opened the file and read again what Harry had said was the reason why he disliked sex.

"It makes me feel used...unworthy of anything else...as if that's all I'm good for. Right from the beginning, I get this feeling like it isn't me they want, just the sex. Like they are settling for second best with me. From the moment it starts, I just can't get into it. I get hard but I don't get excited and I don't come."

Harry, then, subconsciously continued to put himself in a position to be used. Though his Paranoid Personality Disorder may play a part in this as well. But it was a case of 'which came first?'. Did the disorder cause an unsatisfactory sex life or did the unsatisfactory sex life cause the disorder? It was obvious to Severus that the two go hand in hand. He had encouraged Harry to talk to his doctor about increasing the dose of medication he took for the disorder. Harry said that the higher dose has made a huge difference in day to day life. He could only hope it would make future relationships easier.

Harry had mentioned that none of the lovers they had discussed so far had noticed that he didn't come during sex. Will, being a virgin himself, was too inexperienced to pay attention to whether or not Harry got any pleasure. The others either didn't notice or, like Will, didn't care.

Harry had also told Severus that he has never fallen in love. He had fallen into all of his relationships quite quickly and there was no romance and very few 'dates'. Harry had not had the chance to get close to any of them. Severus felt that the disorder played a major role in this, as well. It prevented him from getting close to anyone, from having tender feelings toward any of his lovers.

Severus felt his heart go out to Harry. No young man should have gone through adolescence and young adulthood with such misgivings about sex. Harry should have been enjoying it. He was an attractive man with a pleasing body. Severus wished he could do more to help.

Then he got an idea. He would take Harry out on a date. A sort of experiment to see how Harry handles it.

He imagined himself being the one to give Harry his first climax during sex. And promptly chastised himself for it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Friday, January 25th, 12pm

"We've discussed all but one of your lovers. This last one, tell me about him."

This was the one Harry felt the worst about. It's demise was all his fault and sometimes, he regretted that. Other times, he told himself that the man was better off without him.

"His name was Caz. By this time, I was so messed up. My disorder was just coming to its peak and I wasn't on any medication. I didn't know what was wrong me at that point. And add in all my problems with my past, it was doomed from the beginning. But I stubbornly tried to hold on to it. It was the longest relationship I have had. It lasted a total of sixteen months. We got together, another relationship that I jumped into. We were together about two months. My disorder got in the way. I took a lot of things too personal and jumped to conclusions quite often. I left him, thinking he didn't really care about me. But it broke his heart."

Harry can still remember Caz pleading with Harry, tears in his eyes. Harry just didn't believe someone could feel that way about him, especially after only two months. His heart had been hardened to the point of stone. And he left, not really caring how much he had hurt Caz.

"And then you got back together?"

"A few months later. During our time apart, I had talked to my doctor and a psychiatrist. That's when I was diagnosed and given medication. I ran into a mutual friend who said that Caz was still single. I agreed to have him call me. We met for a couple of dates, if you want to call them that. It was mostly just a chance for us to feel each other out again. I wasn't even attracted to him. No sparks, no lovey-dovey feelings. I still moved in with him the next month."

Harry heard Severus sigh before asking, "Why did you move in with him if you weren't attracted to him and had no feelings for him?"

Harry knew that was a reasonable question and had asked it of himself before. He knew the answer and was a little ashamed of it. "I thought he was what I needed. I could tell he still loved me. He was the only one I could say that of, out of all my lovers. I thought I would be stupid not to stay with him. Plus, he was dependable, stable. He had his own home, his own means of transportation, and he had a job. I thought that maybe I would eventually grow to love him back. I ended up telling him that I wasn't in love with him because I really hadn't had the chance. I explained to him about my disorder and about past relationships. I told him to be patient with me and maybe I would get to where he was."

"Was he patient with you?"

That was the kicker. "Yes, very. At least at first."

"Did he notice that you didn't come when you had sex?"

Harry sighed. "Yes. That was when I told him that I didn't like sex. But it was alright because I was used to it. But after a few months, I told him I wanted to take a break from sex. That I would let him know when I was ready."

"Did that ever happen?"

"No." Harry looked to his hands in his lap. Caz had been very patient with him. He had asked for sex a couple of times over the next year, but was not pushy. However, Harry could see Caz's disappointment each time Harry said he wasn't ready. Caz had started to doubt their relationship and things started growing tense between them.

"I know I was being unreasonable, but I just got to where I couldn't stand the used feeling I got. Even though I knew Caz loved me, I still couldn't stand to be touched in an intimate way. After a year of no sex and rising tension, we split up. I felt bad for Caz, but I felt he was better off without me. Otherwise, I couldn't bring myself to care. I was an emotional zombie. He said I was using him. I guess, in a way, I was."

"How long ago was that?"

"About this time last year."

"So, you've not had sex this past year?"

"Right." Harry had not really wanted it. He was just fine with wanking. "Just masturbation."

"And how has that been going since I gave you that homework? Is it still you participating in the fantasy?"

Harry had gotten used to these conversations but he still managed to blush a little. His wanking sessions were going so much better now that Dr. Snape featured in them. Harry had come to admit that he was extremely attracted to Severus and it was easy to put himself in the fantasies.

"Yes, I'm always in them now, with this particular man. It's improved things a lot."

"Good. But I'm still concerned. I believe you are letting this disorder and your feelings regarding your past relationships control you. You said that the medication is working better now that you are on a higher dose. You just need to relax and let go. Don't concentrate on it so much. Let yourself feel the good. Let yourself fall in love."

Harry knew he was right. And suspected that he was well on his way with the 'falling in love' bit. But felt there was nothing he could do about it. Severus was his doctor. This was a professional relationship only. Harry realized that Severus was watching him for a response, so he nodded his understanding.

Severus then surprised Harry. "I have a suggestion. We should go on a date. A pretend date. Just to test whether or not you can relax and have fun with it. What do you think?"

Harry heart jumped. A date with Severus? That would be wonderful. Even a pretend date. But Harry was weary because of his growing feelings for Severus. Surely this could only end in disaster. It is only pretend after all. But Harry was willing to see it through, if only to spend more time in Severus' company.

He nodded his acceptance and they made plans for the next night.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Saturday, January 26th, The Pretend Date

Harry was in heaven and he couldn't stop smiling.

Severus had taken him to a nice restaurant. They had dinner with easy-going conversations. Severus even flirted with Harry a few times. Harry, of course, flirted back. Then they went to a theatre and watched a wonderful performance of A MidSummer Night's Dream. When they walked, Severus would put his hand on the small of Harry's back. It made Harry feel protected, cherished. Severus, also, complimented him often, making Harry grin shyly. He felt like such a girl, but it felt good.

Harry closed the door behind them. "Well, here we are. My humble abode. I'll get us some drinks."

As he turned to go to the kitchenette, he was stopped by Severus' hand on his arm. He looked up into Severus' eyes, his heart thumping in his chest. Then Severus lifted a hand to Harry's cheek and caressed him. Harry knew he was lost, but Severus' lips descended on his and he kissed back eagerly.

None of Harry's other lovers kissed him like this. If they had, he would have been more interested in them. Harry was a firm believer that if the kiss doesn't inspire you, then the rest probably won't either.

It was an exploratory kiss. The kiss of new lovers learning each other. Their tongues intertwined and danced together. Harry felt possessed, owned. He felt fierce desire course through him.

They moved to the couch and Severus gently pushed down on Harry's shoulders, quietly instructing him to sit. Harry sat and watched as Severus knelt between his legs. Then Severus leaned in to kiss him again. This kiss was so much more than the first. It was a passioned kiss and Harry savoured it.

Then Severus moved the kisses across Harry's face and to his neck. Harry tilted his head and almost instantly, Severus latched onto that sweet spot on Harry's neck that Harry loved to have sucked. Harry moaned, moved his hands to hold Severus' head in place and started rocking his hips. He had been hard since the first kiss and ached to be touched.

As if Severus had read his mind, his hand wandered down Harry's torso and rested on his erection, rubbing it though the cloth of his trousers. Harry moaned again and pushed his hips up into Severus' hand.

Harry was lost in the moment. Gone was the uncomfortable feelings associated with sex. Not one troubled thought entered his mind. He was totally focused on Severus and his mouth and his hands.

Severus loosened Harry's jeans and started to pull them and his pants down. Harry raised his hips to help. Then Severus moved his mouth from Harry's neck to Harry's lap.

Severus licked a solid trail up Harry's cock, from root to tip. Severus looked up to Harry and said, "I'm going to devour you."

Then Severus' wicked mouth engulfed Harry's cock. Harry panted and moaned. It was an exquisite feeling. He watched Severus' head bob up and down. He couldn't help but to rock his hips as Severus sucked and nibbled. Severus' tongue danced along Harry's cock. It snuck under the foreskin and delved into the slit.

Harry knew he wasn't going to last long. He threw his head back and closed his eyes, lost in sensation. He could feel his climax gathering in his balls, which were being gently massaged. He moaned again and plunged his hands into Severus' hair, in warning or to hold it in place, he didn't know. Severus then took Harry in deeply and sucked really hard.

"Ah!" Harry cried out, as his orgasm shot through him. Each pulse causing such pleasure. He felt Severus swallowing around him and looked down to watch.

As Harry sat trying to catch his breath, Severus pulled up Harry's pants and jeans. Harry grinned at him and reached a hand out to undo Severus' trousers.

Severus stilled his hand. "It's okay. I'm fine."

Harry's heart plummeted. I forgot. This isn't real, Harry thought, chastising himself for getting so caught up in the situation, knowing it was only a pretend date. He looked away and tried to hide his downcast feelings.

Severus leaned in to kiss Harry on the forehead. "It's late. I'll see you Friday."

Harry didn't acknowledge him, as Severus stood and apparated home.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Friday, February 1st, 5pm

The twelve o'clock hour went by without Harry showing up for his appointment. Severus sent a message to Harry asking if he was okay, asking what went wrong. Severus had been unable to concentrate on his other appointments, too busy worrying about Harry.

He got up and poured himself a brandy. He never got involved with his clients but he had felt compelled to do so with Harry. Harry's case had intrigued him from the beginning but it was the man himself that had caught Severus' complete attention.

Just as he sat back down, an owl arrived. It was from Harry and Severus wasted no time opening it.

It doesn't matter. It was only a pretend date. Remember?

Severus groaned at his own stupidity. He had thought the date went well. He had done his best to show Harry that he should be treasured, that he was appreciated. Apparently, it hadn't been his best and, apparently, Harry hadn't been pretending at all. Severus realized that he had only added to Harry's problems. Maybe he should have let Harry reciprocate. He hadn't done so because he didn't want Harry to think that was all he was there for.

Severus got some parchment and a quill. He had to fix this.

Harry,
I was not pretending.
Severus

Severus attached the message to Harry's owl and sent it on its way. Now he just had to wait to see Harry's response.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Friday, February 8th, 12pm

Twelve o'clock found Severus pacing his office. He hadn't heard from Harry and wondered if he would show up for his appointment. Ten minutes passed before he heard a tentative knock.

"Enter."

Severus watched as Harry came in, gently closing the door behind him.

"Sorry I'm late," Harry said, as he rubbed his hands down his thighs, obviously a nervous gesture.

"It's all right. You came."

A contrite look stole across Harry's face. "Look, I'm sorry about last week. I just--"

"No," Severus interrupted. "It is I who should apologize. I was trying to help and only made the situation worse. I only wanted to make you feel good."

Harry grinned and rolled his eyes. "You did. Until after. You wouldn't let me..." Harry's voice trailed off.

Severus walked up to Harry and put his hands on Harry's shoulders to get his full attention. "Harry, I didn't let you because I didn't want you to think that was my intention. I was afraid you would think that I only sucked you so that you would suck me. I wanted that night to be all about you. You've been denied pleasure and I wanted to give it back to you."

"Yeah, but it's different when I actually want to do it...There's just something about you..."

Hearing that was almost enough to make Severus swoon. Instead, he embraced Harry and just held him close. Severus thought about how good Harry felt in his arms and decided he wanted another chance. He pulled back enough to look Harry in the eyes.

"We should have another date. A real one, this time. Tonight"

Harry smiled. "Okay."

~*~*~*~*~*~

The Real Date

This time, Severus took Harry to a nice wizarding restaurant with ball-room dancing. They had a delicious, if expensive, meal and marvelous red wine. Harry was careful not to drink too much; wine always made him tipsy.

They talked about anything and everything and shared a few laughs. Like the last date, there was flirting and possessive touches. Harry's weariness eased more and more as the evening continued.

After they finished eating, Severus stood and offered his hand to Harry. "Care to dance?"

Harry accepted and they walked to the dance floor. Neither one of them knew the formal steps, so they kept to a corner of the dance floor. They slow-danced to several songs, lost in their own little world. When the band stepped off the dais for a break, Severus leaned into whisper into Harry's ear.

"I want to see you naked."

Harry closed his eyes and let Severus' voice wash over him. It was a wonderful suggestion. "Let's go, then."

They apparated straight to Harry's flat, just inside the door. They stood facing each other with intense gazes.

"Kiss me," Harry whispered. And Severus swooped in, claiming Harry's lips in a searing kiss. Harry opened up to it immediately and was rewarded for it. Severus' tongue delved deep and was in constant motion.

Meanwhile, they removed each other's cloaks. Severus then backed Harry to the wall and pressed against him. Harry moaned around the kiss and pressed his hips into Severus'. Severus responded in kind, grinding their cocks together.

Harry didn't remember ever being this hard for anyone. It was a heady sensation. He felt Severus' hands slide down his body to grip him under his buttocks. Harry raised his legs around Severus' waist when the hands urged him to do so.

Harry was trapped between Severus' hard thrusting body and the wall behind him. He loved every minute of it. But he didn't want a repeat of their last date. He broke away from the kiss.

"Severus, if you're going to give me another blow job and then leave, you may as well quit now."

Severus pressed even closer. "I plan on giving you more than a blow job, Harry."

Harry noticed that Severus didn't say anything about not leaving but tried to suppress that thought. He had faith in Severus. He decided to just let the night play out and see what happened.

Severus encouraged Harry to put his feet back on the floor, then pulled Harry to the bedroom. They stood beside the bed. Harry was a little nervous but squashed it by taking the initiative. He pulled out his wand and spelled both their clothes off.

Severus smirked and raised a brow. "Just what I wanted."

Harry smiled and took a moment to appreciate the view. He was entranced by Severus' cock, which was full and standing straight up.

"Beautiful." Harry heard Severus say and realized that Severus was referring to him. Harry had always thought himself plain but was willing to believe anything Severus said.

As if pulled by magnetism, they were back in each other's arms, lips locked in another scorching kiss. Their hands were now free to roam over skin and muscle.

Harry soon found himself on his back on the bed with Severus on top of him. Severus' hands and mouth mapped out Harry's body, inch by inch. Severus licked and sucked and nibbled on Harry's collar bone, nipples and ribs. Harry arched into every touch. He glorified in the feeling but he was getting impatient. He reached into his bedside table for the lube and held it out to Severus.

"Please, Severus."

Severus took the lube and set it on the bed beside Harry's hip. "Not quite yet. Put your hands above your head and don't move them."

Harry did as he was told, then Severus moved his mouth to Harry's groin. Harry closed his eyes, afraid he wouldn't be able to watch and still keep control. He was already strung tight.

He felt Severus' tongue circle the head and pushed into the slit. Then Severus' lips nibbled on Harry's foreskin. Harry felt himself harden more and wondered how long he would be able to hold out.

He then felt Severus' mouth move to his balls. Each one was taken into a hot, wet mouth and massaged gently, before it was released. Then Severus' tongue moved behind Harry's sac. Harry gripped the headboard tight and arched his hips up and spread his legs wide, quietly begging for more.

Harry felt that glorious tongue stroke across his entrance. None of his other lovers had ever done this to him. It was warm and wet and so good. He moaned his delight and Severus' tongue circled the hole then pushed inside. Harry's moved his hips in tandem to the tongue-fucking until he couldn't take anymore.

"PLEASE!"

Severus pulled away and opened the lube. Harry watched as Severus oiled his own cock and then his fingers. Finally, Severus started to prepare Harry.

Harry panted through the preparation. His hips pushed back onto Severus' fingers, as one, two, three of them were thrust into him.

"What a pretty picture you make, Harry."

"Just get on with it already," Harry said through gritted teeth, barely hanging on to his orgasm. He wanted to come with Severus inside him.

"As you wish," Severus replied and removed his fingers. Then he put his cock in their place, sliding into Harry's body. Harry gasped and Severus moaned.

"Don't stop," Harry said, as he pushed his hips up further.

Severus complied and started thrusting immediately. Harry met each thrust with one of his own. They quickly worked up a furious pace. Harry moaned on every exhale, his hands still on the headboard. The whole bed bounced with the force of their fucking.

"Fuck!" Severus said, as he gripped Harry's cock in one hand. He pumped it in time with his hips, fast and hard.

Harry felt his climax approaching. His body started to convulse and his breath hitched. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and he cried out, as his orgasm slammed into him.

"SEVERUS!"

~*~*~

When Harry came to, he was cuddled against Severus and had dried tear tracks on his face. He looked up into Severus' face with a goofy grin.

"That was brilliant!"

Severus smiled back and rubbed his hand down Harry's back. "No feelings of being used?"

Harry sobered. "That depends...on if you'll stay with me."

"I will stay."

"Not just tonight?"

"Not just tonight."

Harry's goofy grin returned.


~END~